Burning Out: Underneath The Filter

The Lurgy has entered the house. I woke up this morning, after an awful night's sleep, with a stuffy nose, a scratchy throat, aching joints and a pounding head. I was surprised at this as I've not been around anyone with a cold and I've been eating so well and exercising regularly that I thought my immunity would be a little stronger. So foul do I feel, that I felt something must have caused it and I looked back over my week trying to find the source of my misery. Only then did it occur to me that I might be taking on a little too much...

Working as a teacher I'm used to busy days and heavy workloads and countless marking and data deadlines. As Head of KS3 English, I constantly have a to do list longer than my arm and I rarely have a day that sees everything ticked off. Although I occasionally moan about my workload, I know I thrive in situations when stuff just needs to get done. I'm guilty of leaving things to the last minute because I know I can't procrastinate any more and I HAVE to finish a task. It's like I'm on my own Challenge Aneka episode only it's Challenge Jen and I'm competing with myself and time. The adrenaline is addictive and the pride at completing a task makes me feel like superwoman.

Being on maternity leave hasn't made me any more relaxed. Despite no longer having lessons to plan or essays to mark or data to review, I still give myself a huge workload...and I have to ask myself why I do this.

Take this week for instance. On Monday, I went to Mum and Baby group, completed a workout, went in to the local town to top up my grocery shop, even though I didn't need to. Tuesday I got up early to go running in the rain, took a shower and took Seb to Rhythm Time before racing home to have dinner before making the 4pm mum and baby showing of Beauty and the Beast. Wednesday saw a 10am Story Explorers class and a 12.45pm baby yoga class on opposite sides of the town and another browse around Tesco. Thursday? A particularly challenging day of a HIIT and weights session and a baby swim class all before midday followed by an hour's drive to York to have two work meetings before coming home to take Smeagol on an hour long birthday walk. On top of all this I do all the usual mum things: putting Seb down for routine naps, feeding him, dressing him, changing him, preparing bottles and meals, loading the dishwasher, cooking three healthy meals a day, doing laundry, tidying the house, walking the dog twice a day, showering, putting on make up, playing with Sebastian...food shopping. More? I meet up with friends for coffee, arrange play dates and clothes swaps, clear out my wardrobe and donate clothes to friends or charities, update this blog and instagram plus I'm doing the British Heart Foundation's My Marathon May.  It's no wonder that I'm starting to burn out a little.

Why though? Why do I do this? I frequently hear my friends ask how I manage to do so much - how do I find time to cook? To clean? Why am I so busy?

The classes with Seb I do because I think it's important for his development and because I can't stay in the house all day or I'd go crackers. They're as much for me as they are for him...plus I know that when I go back to work I'm never going to regret all the time we spent playing and learning together. But everything else can be neglected a little, surely? Even typing that makes me guffaw because I know I couldn't just neglect my tasks completely. I will always need to tidy and clean because I simply hate unorganised chaos. I deep need in me since childhood has to organise things or people. I think it's the same part of me that will always get a thrill at buying stationary. 

I've always been a bit of an overachiever. I'm not the smartest, quickest, prettiest or funniest. In fact I am distinctly average in every way and so I've always had to work hard. A fear of ignorance means I'm constantly reading and wanting to learn. If I don't know something, I have to 'read up' on it so that I know the answers. I feel proud when I receive compliments on my outfit, carefully selected in my mind the night before, even though I might only be going to the coffee shop. It's not about being the best; I'm not that shallow. It more like I want to be the best that I can be. 

But life is not a competition...and it's foolish to compete against yourself all the time. 

Looking at my instagram page, it's full of glossy, filtered pictures of home cooked, healthy meals, a smiling baby, a made up face and primped hair, motivating images of me working out. How pretty. How 'put together'.They're truthful images because yes, sometimes my life is pretty and put together, but it's not the whole truth. Sometimes, days like today happen.

Today I'm ill, grumpy, greasy and unmotivated. Today I haven't showered or put on make up or even changed out of my joggers and t-shirt which I slept in. I just put Military Man's hoodie over the top, because I'm missing him whilst he's away in Norway. Today, Seb and I have eaten a lovely breakfast of scrambled eggs and avocado, beautifully instagrammed....but I haven't washed the dishes, or unloaded the dishwasher from last night. I haven't dressed Seb - he's still in his pj's. His toys are strewn around the front room, the dog's muddy footprints pollute my usually clean kitchen floor...and it's ok for today. I'm cutting myself some slack. I have no workout plans nor am I leaving the house apart from the obligatory dog walks which I will do in the same clothes I'm wearing now.

Everyone puts pressure on themselves but I do think mum's add even more weight to the load because they have a little person that they feel they're letting down if they don't do something perfectly. This is silly. Not once has Sebastian looked at me this morning, in his avocado stained superman pyjamas, and frowned at me as if to say 'you're failing as a mother'. He gave me his usual gummy giggle and blew a raspberry, spraying me with unswallowed remnants of scrambled egg. Sebastian thinks I'm perfect. One day, this will change and no matter how hard I try, he'll still give me stony teenage glares that will unhinge me. One day, he'll think I'm a rubbish mum and in a fit of adolescent rage he might even say it. But for right now, Sebastian thinks I'm the most wonderful mummy in the world, complete with greasy hair and a messy kitchen. And today, that's the best that I can be.


J

Tips For Pregnant Teachers

September, for me, will always be a time of stationary supplies, new diaries, school shoes and a brand new bag to cart my shiny new swag around in. No, I'm not trying to relive my teenage obsession with Paperchase (how can I relive it? The obsession never died!), I am in fact a teacher.

Along with a blood volume that consists of around 75% caffeine, stationary (mainly board pens, pencils and bic biros) make up a good third of  my body weight. I am never without a notebook and pen.

September has me like ♥

I teach English in a secondary school and 6th form and it's one of the most rewarding jobs I think you can ever do. I'm not one of those teachers who hates their job and moans about it constantly...and trust me, there's enough to moan about! However, it is challenging - an entirely different thing to 'hard' or 'soul destroying' like I've heard colleagues from other schools refer to it as. One of my favourite things ever is to see a kid's smile once they've come up with an interpretation that is valid and original on a text I've read a hundred times. I get just as much of a thrill getting a pupil to a C grade when they've struggled for 2 years as I do when one of my gifted and talented children bags an A*.

The kids really do make this job worthwhile. In fact, it's not a job...it's a vocation...a calling. Of course there are times when I'm knee deep in marking appallingly bad essays and tatty scraps of homework that make me want to scrawl "are you fucking kidding me?' across it in big red letters a la Bad Teacher, but for the most part, I think I'm pretty lucky that my days are so different and unique and filled with challenge rather than boredom. Plus I get a lot of holidays...yeah that's always a positive!

But since I became pregnant, I've found teaching a little harder to engage with and it's taken me 8 months to really accept that I have to change my methods of teaching and adapt to my current condition. Accepting this earlier would have made my job easier and so I've put together some tips for teachers who are pregnant or planning on becoming so in the not so distant future.

1. In the early stages of pregnancy, tell a trusted colleague that you're with child.

Most women want to wait until they're past 12 weeks and in to the 'safe zone' of pregnancy before they reveal their joyous news. But in my opinion, you're making things incredibly hard for yourself. I suffered with hyperemesis in my first trimester. I was throwing up fifteen plus times a day, all day, every day. It started at eight weeks pregnant and didn't stop until I was fourteen weeks. I soldiered on and went in to work but had to run to throw up far too frequently in the middle of lessons. I also felt appalling. Don't underestimate how rubbish any degree of morning sickness can make you feel. In the end, I had to tell my line manager and also the headmaster because I honestly felt I could no longer work. I ended up being signed off work for 3 weeks and being put on anti sickness medication which made me drowsy and unable to drive in to school. I felt like a hindrance and I was nervous about telling my manager  and the headmaster so early on in my pregnancy but I needn't have worried. Both of them were incredibly supportive and were able to inform HR that my extended sickness fell under pregnancy related issues, meaning I didn't receive a disciplinary for long absence. It also meant that when I did go back in to work, I had 2 people who were primarily concerned with my health and well being and they could put measures in place to help me.

Even if you only tell one trusted colleague, it will help you. They can check on your class if you need to run out to be sick and if you're feeling rubbish, they can buoy you up and feed you ginger biscuits. Always a good thing.

2. Get the kids to do things for you.

It's a common trait in teachers that they often work harder than the children they teach. For some reason, I spend an inordinate amount of time handing out books, text books, paper and other supplies to kids. Save yourself some much needed energy and ask your pupils to help you out by handing out your resources, writing on the board for you and collecting things in. I even took up one of my sixth formers on their offer to go to the office to make me a cup of tea! Many of your pupils will be so excited for you and will want to show you that they care in some small way. The majority of my pupils are so accommodating of me and can't do enough to help me out...even the ones who groaned at me several months ago when I asked them to collect in the glue sticks!

3. Be honest with yourself about what you can handle...and then be honest with your colleagues.

I'm a middle leader at my school and have a responsibility for KS3 english. It's a lot of work on top of my day to day teaching and whilst it's a job I've worked hard to get, I've found, since becoming pregnant, that it's much harder to meet all of my responsibilities. Exhaustion is very real in pregnancy; I've never known tiredness like it and whilst many women may be full of energy in their pregnancies, I really haven't. This has meant that from big parts of my job like data management, intervention, curriculum planning to the little things like maintaining displays, have taken their toll on me. When I returned to work after having hyperemisis, I realised I needed to be straight with my colleagues and let them know that I just couldn't do everything anymore and I needed to delegate. To my surprise, they were happy to help me wherever they could and it's actually provided excellent opportunities for professional development for many of them. This is one tip I'll be following even when I'm not pregnant!

4.Be comfortable.

Ask any teacher how many times they sit down during the day and they will most likely look at you in confusion. Sit down? As in have a rest? Can you even do that when you're a teacher?! Well, actually...yes. We all take on too much as teachers. By nature, most of us are compassionate and self sacrificing (to a fault) and will gladly work through their break times and lunches to help a struggling student. Well, I'm sorry to say it, but pregnancy is the one time where your own comfort comes first. At break times, actually get out of your classroom and go to the staffroom and sit down; eat a snack, have a drink, demand the comfy chair! During lunch, go for a gentle walk, eat whilst, *gasp* SITTING DOWN and stop checking your e-mails every 5 minutes. Additionally, if you're finding work trousers uncomfortable - I do...the waist band sits right over my bladder, and you just can't cope in a skirt, or a stiff shirt or your feet are welling over the top of your smart patent loafers, then wear comfortable clothing. I find black, thick jeggings and smart tunic style tops or maxi dresses with black slip on sketchers to be the most comfortable thing to wear in work. These outfits are a lot more casual than my normal work attire but you know what? I'm growing a human and educating the future generation. I think it's my prerogative to be comfortable whilst doing so. You'll be surprised by how many people agree with me on that...including bosses.

5. Prepare wisely

It's a truth universally acknowledged that teachers are equally as disorganised as they appear organised. I am frequently complimented on my organisation - I host parties that I've catered and decorated, plan and execute elaborate menus for dinner parties, get birthday cards and gifts weeks ahead of schedule and am usually done with Christmas shopping by the end of November. But in school, it's a different matter. I can often be found 10 minutes before a lesson scrambling around trying to find a pile of essays I marked last week that I need for the next class. Similarly, it's happened more than once that I've walked in to my lesson with nothing but a smile and a prayer to help me teach those expectant faces all about Aristotle's Tragic Arc. It happens. Teachers can't be outstanding ALL the time because, hey, we're not robots.

So plan and prepare wisely.  Use resources you've tried and tested before, ask colleagues for lesson plans that they might have used that you could borrow, be honest with children about the amount of time it will take you to mark their work - don't promise them you'll have it done by tomorrow if that means you'll be using toothpicks to prop your eyelids open at 1 in the morning just to get them finished. There are a wealth of teaching and learning aids available on the internet and, I'm sure, within your school and department. Use them to help you. You might just find you become a better teacher for it.

I'm sure there's much more advice that you can follow but these are just a few of my tips to help you get through your pregnancy whilst you're teaching. It can be a tough slog but we're lucky in lots of ways and it's important to remember that; we get those lovely holiday breaks, kids who are genuinely interesting and delightful....plus think of all the gifts you'll get from your pupils when you go on maternity leave! Bonus. 

J